


Make a wish (change the reality)

by Setting_Out_Stars



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Angst, Lee Taeyong Has PTSD, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Past Character Death, Survivor Guilt, basically Mark is dead and Taeyong blames himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:47:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25799173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Setting_Out_Stars/pseuds/Setting_Out_Stars
Summary: It's been five years since he lost Mark and Taeyong still can't escape his nightmares.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32
Collections: Melody Fic Fest





	Make a wish (change the reality)

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Chain by NCT 127 which is also one of the songs I was given. The fic is inspired very _very_ loosely by the MV (the tools and everything. I guess. Kinda.) but I still feel like it doesn't fit the vibe of the song. Anyways, this is it. It's what I came up with *deep sigh*.

Taeyong sniffs, letting out a tired exhale as he slips on his safety gloves, his breath condensing in the frigid, early morning air. He tries to flex his fingers once he has his gloves on, clenching and unclenching his fists in an attempt to get some feeling back into his stiff joints. It doesn’t do much; Taeyong can still feel the biting cold as it seeps in through his tattered clothes, chilling him right down to the bone until he’s numb.

_Numb_.

It’s the only thing he feels these days.

_Numb._ Ever since he lost the only family he had left; his best friend, his lover, his soulmate _– gone_ – all because of him. All because of his arrogance, all because he was reckless – _foolhardy_. 

Taeyong believed he was invincible, standing tall in a Jaeger that towered over skyscrapers and made him feel like he was walking on clouds; too far up above for anyone or anything to touch him. He believed that he could never lose, that he could take on the world and win, that orders and regulations didn’t apply to him.

And in the end it was Mark who paid the price for Taeyong’s ignorance with his life.

And Taeyong has spent every single waking moment since that fateful day five years ago with the ghost of Mark living in his head, _haunting_ him. He’s spent every single day regretting, wishing he could go back in time and undo his mistakes.

Five years since he lost Mark and Taeyong still couldn’t escape his nightmares. Five years and he was still struggling to move on; unable to forget the pain, both physical and mental, the anguish of losing the one person he swore to protect with his life. Unable to let go of his guilt.

Taeyong had spent months in the hospital after the fight with Knifehead – the Kaiju that took his Mark from him. He’d spent months nursing a broken arm and burns and a fractured mind and soul. Months until he recovered physically, even if his scars would never fade for as long as he lived.

But it’s been five years now and emotionally, _mentally_ , Taeyong is still broken. Still suffering. Still trying to heal.

Maybe Taeyong never will.

Because he still feels it; the faint whisper of the connection he shared with Mark – jagged and fraying at the edges – and it serves to remind him, every single day, of their shared memories, their love, reminds him of the fact that he lost his soulmate and it was his fault alone and no one else’s.

 _Hates_ that he can still _feel_ it every time – in his dreams, his memories – can feel Mark die. Can hear his screams. Can taste his fear on the back of his tongue as though it were his own. Can hear his anguished “ _Taeyong, help_!” echoing through his mind like they were still connected by the Drift. And then – _nothing_. Then Mark is gone and it’s just him.

 _Just Taeyong_.

Just Taeyong with his severed neural connection, raw and silent and so, _so_ wrong. Wrong because he was never supposed to be alone. Wrong because in that silence is where Mark should be, bright and beautiful and _loud_. But all Taeyong is left with is a broken connection, his mind clouded with fear and pain and fear and helplessness. And Mark isn’t there.

It’s just Taeyong with his dead left arm and the burns from his shorting circuitry suit searing his flesh. Just Taeyong in his 250 foot tall malfunctioning Jaeger with loud sirens and failing systems and the roars of the Kaiju outside. Just Taeyong with Mark’s screams ringing in his ears as he’s ripped from the cockpit and out of Taeyong’s mind and his life. Gone forever.

Just Taeyong, left alone with his guilt and his trauma and his anguish, helpless in the face of the beast that tears through his Jaeger with the intent to annihilate.

And when Taeyong wakes, when he drops back down to reality again, it’s still just him; alone and _broken_ , wishing he could get back in a Jaeger and avenge Mark’s death but knowing that he can’t. He can never get back into a Jaeger again. Not without Mark, never without him. He can’t bear the thought of having someone else in his mind, can’t share that connection with anyone else. Taeyong also cannot think of putting another innocent pilot in danger because Taeyong today isn’t he who used to be five years ago. He’s not as strong as he once was. He’s nothing without his Mark.

Because even towering over the rest of humanity at 250 feet, in a Jaeger that was the strongest thing man had ever created, Mark was always the one with both his feet rooted firmly on the ground. He was the only thing that kept Taeyong going. Mark kept him anchored.

And then Taeyong lost him to a Kaiju; heard him scream and saw him reach out, fingertips grazing against Taeyong’s own as he begged for Taeyong to help save him. In the end, Taeyong could do nothing but watch. Watch as Mark paid the price for his mistakes.

  
  
Someone bumps into Taeyong as they rush past him, effectively snapping him out of his trance.

“Watch it!” they snarl at him, judgmental gaze darting down to his outstretched hand as Taeyong reaches out for the ghost of the boy he loved.

He squeezes his eyes shut to try and gather himself, ignores the wetness on his cheeks as he forces himself back to the present. The construction site is noisy, but Taeyong can only hear the faint echoes of Mark’s terrified screams and blaring sirens, and the roars of an injured Kaiju ringing in his ears and he shivers slightly at the sudden pulse of fear that races down his spine – a distant memory of an emotion rather than the actual feeling.

The only thing Taeyong feels now – with his dead lover’s residual memories and emotions weighing down on his soul – is numb. 

_Numb_. It’s the only thing he can ever feel these days, it’s what the absence of Mark has done to him.

With a tired sigh and with the consequences of his actions bearing down on his mind, body and soul, Taeyong puts his hard hat on and hefts his welding pack onto his shoulders. He makes for the Anti-Kaiju wall with weary steps, another day of labour waiting for him. Another day of Taeyong struggling just to keep himself fed, keep himself alive.

  
  


Another day of wishing that he wasn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> I am pretty sure that a severed neural connection wouldn't work like this but, uh, creative liberties were taken. Clearly lol.
> 
> Thank you for reading ❤️
> 
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